Washington D.C. (5/22/2009)--It didn’t matter if you were a democrat or a republican; Elizabeth Edwards’s message to the American public seemed to be universal. When Edwards spoke Thursday night at the Willard Hotel in downtown Washington D.C., she warned women not to grow up expecting a fairy tale life. Instead, she said that life is all about making adjustments and being willing to “accept the new normal.”
Sharing her struggles and her life coping skills by reading excerpts from her new book, Resilience, Edwards allowed herself to appear human to the three hundred people in attendance at the event sponsored by the National Press Club.
“Sometimes when we face hurdles in our lives, we just want to turn around and go back to the life we were living before,” said Edwards, speaking from her own experience. “Sometimes our lives are not the straight lines we expected.”
Edwards openly shared examples of situations in her life that have forced her to find a way to survive on her own. She did warned people, however, that they could not simply use her experience as a recipe for dealing with their own problems. Everyone has to figure it out for themselves.
“You can’t just find out someone else’s recipe for change,” Edwards said. “You have to find your own answers.”
When her athletic father suffered a stroke and was diagnosed as “brain dead” in 1990, Edwards was struck for the first time with feelings of intense grief. Edwards read from her book sections describing her panic when she received news from the doctors that her father would never walk again.
Edwards said that she realized for the first time that she didn’t have to take one doctor’s viewpoint as reality. Instead, she learned to use skills that her father had taught her to realize that no situation is ever perfect, however, if you readjust your expectations, you can still live a “majestic life.”
Edwards’s father lived eighteen years after his initial diagnosis predicted his death and eventually improved to the point where he was able to drive and speak—both accomplishments he was supposed to be unable to achieve.
Edwards said that it was a good thing her beloved father wasn’t perfect and that she was able to see this through his illness, because as a witness to his struggles, she was able to learn that resilience is possible no matter what the circumstances are, no matter the imperfection.
The death of Edwards’s sixteen year-old son, Wade in 1993, was a major obstacle that Edwards said forced her to re-evaluate her faith, as well as her perspective on life. Losing a child is never easy, as was noted by many of the audience members during the question and answer section of the meeting, but Edwards said that she was eventually able to accept Wade’s death and stop blaming God.
Taking advice from Bill Moyer’s Genesis program, Edwards said that she found her own answers to her questions. Edwards said, “I realized that you don’t have the God you want, you have the God you have.” She wanted a God who wouldn’t let innocent people die. Edwards said that she had to accept the fact that innocent deaths occur due to human choice and are not always God’s will.
“I realized that I had a God, instead, who promised me salvation if I lived a good life,” said Edwards. She admitted that this may not synch with everyone’s set of religious beliefs, but they are hers.
After the death of her son, Edwards continued to face the challenges of life as a politician’s wife and as later as a breast cancer patient.
“A political spouse has a completely derivative existence,” stated Edwards. Being truthful with her audience, Edwards said that her husband, John Edward’s, political career as a senator and presidential candidate is really the only reason anyone knows who she is.
For that reason, she said that it was really important for her to find a hobby or an activity that was hers and no one else’s. So Elizabeth Edwards became a furniture collector—something she had always been interested in ever since she was growing up and her mother ran a thrift store. When Edwards could no longer fit the furniture she bought in her own home, she opened her own shop and called it The Red Window.
Hobbies aside, Edwards, who is also an attorney and practiced law for 17 years, said that she is actually most proud of her role in life as a homemaker. Providing her children with a safe, accepting, and loving environment has proven to be Ms. Edwards’s most important role in life.
Despite her husband’s infidelity, which Edwards chooses not to dwell on, she said that she still believes she married the right man. Exemplifying her theory of acceptance, Edwards devoted only a small portion of her book to her husband’s affair and refused to play into the media’s desire to resort to “yellow journalism.” Edwards declined interviews with the Associated press for this exact reason: the AP refused to refrain from questioning her about her husband’s mistress. Edwards sees it as unnecessary.
“Until the day that I think I’m perfect I am not going to expect perfection from others,” Edwards said.
Instead, Edwards noted that her husband of 30 years remains the center of her life and she, the center of his. His careful attention to her needs after Edwards was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer has meant a great deal to her.
Together, Edwards said that she and her husband are raising their children to “learn to have wings.” Edwards believes that her role as a parent is to set an example for her children. For this reason, Edwards had remained public about many of her personal struggles and problems. To Edwards, it was important for her children to see that she is not hiding away just because she has incurable cancer and she is not crying in a corner because her marriage is imperfect.
